THINK: I'm Not God's Gift

It looks like I'm in another pickle.

Going back four years ago or so, I met this guy from Canada through Myspace after he joined my group. Like most of my online encounters, he and I hit it off. There was definitely a strong physical and emotional attraction between us or at least as much as there could be over the 'net, but both of us knew a relationship was unrealistic so we remained digital pen pals. Long distance relationships and cyber dating are not my thing, so I opted out of that, but that's not to say there were no dreams and fantasies.

After a while, I noticed his habit of disappearing for weeks and weeks, usually after finding himself a boyfriend. I was too busy with my own life to care in the beginning, but after some time, there was a pattern and it began to grate on my nerves.

Whenever his relationships fell apart, he would resurface as if nothing happened. I was starting to feel like his fall back plan and I grew sick and tired of being tossed aside when he was occupied with someone else. I am no back burner bitch.

After much deliberation and discussion, he and I resolved things for the most part. At that point, I stopped caring anyway because the whole thing just wasn't worth stressing over.

Last year, I took a business trip to Canada and had the opportunity to meet him in person. We were cool at that point, but I purposely didn't tell him I was coming until a week before my flight, just so I could surprise him.

Soon after I arrived, we spent the next several days and evenings together and had a wonderful time. It was almost like a fairytale even though I don't believe in that. I'm never so lucky.

He showed me around town and really opened up and I appreciated his candid honesty. That's not something us gay men see everyday, so it was a pleasant relief. By the end of my trip, I think the both of us saw an enormous potential of a long-term relationship, but he and I both knew we couldn't date because of the long distance. It just wouldn't work.

Fast forward to two weeks ago -- the night after Thanksgiving, he was drunk when he called me. He told me that he loved me... as in LOVE love. At that moment, I knew he was having relationship problems as past experiences revealed, but he wouldn't confess. I blew it off at first, but every day since, he's been pouring his heart out and telling me how much he wants to be with me. I guess he can't get me out of my head, but I'm not sure if it's real.

Last week, I finally got him to admit that his relationship was unraveling. If he manages to straighten things out with his boyfriend, I'm sure he'll pull what he always does and turn his back on me once again. However, it's unusual for him to carry on like this for that long. I just don't know what to believe, but there's nothing I can really do about it anyway.

I don't have any feelings for him right now. The few feelings I had for him when we spent time together last year were in the early stages, and that's why I don't understand how he could possibly love me. We only spent four evenings together. How could he possibly love me?

When I question his motives and feelings, he assures me that he's being real and honest, but I think he's being reactionary to relationship turmoil. He's in love with the idea of what he COULD have with me. I am just a figment of his fantasy. He doesn't know me well enough to use the word "love" nor does he know how I would be as a boyfriend (and vice versa).

I hate it when guys fall in love with the idea of falling in love. While I'm very capable of giving it, I am NOT love.

I feel like some men have a tendency to fall for my "image" rather than my character or even what makes me the man I am. I can tell because there are some who don't really ask about me. It's all superficial.

Now, I'm not saying that my "image" is spectacular or even great (I do the best I can), but I hate the pressure of living up to the fanatical knight in shining armor some guys think I am or want me to be. I'm just a regular dude. I make mistakes, say dumb things and have emotions, just like everyone else.

Sure, I can take a good photo once in a while. Yep, my profile descriptions are well written. Hell, I can even say the right thing at the right moment, but that doesn't mean I'm God's gift. I'm not.

This is why I sometimes get annoyed with the really hot guys out there who aren't humble nor personable. At the end of the day, beauty fades and personalities change. When that happens, the core of who we are is what holds us together. I know I'm going off on a tangent here and maybe this guy from Canada sees something in me that he doesn't seen in other guys. I don't know. I'm confused.

THINK: Feminism is Too Black and White

I know I haven't written in a while. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm not dead. I've been swamped with freelance projects and job hunting, but I decided to make some time for a new blog post.

Sometime last week, a group of feminists were selling baked goods. None of their stuff looked appetizing to me at all, so I opted out, but a couple of my friends went for the soggy cup cakes.

When I saw that they were charging men $1.00 and women $.75 for the same item, I became slightly irritated. I understood why they were charging men more and was quite impressed at first. Statistically speaking, men make more money than women do, so they scaled up their prices accordingly. However, as I thought more about it, I felt like they were generalizing.

What would they charge someone who doesn't fit society's gender standards? What about someone who is transgendered or gay? Or, someone who's of a different ethnic background?

Let's call it for what it is: there are many, many other classes of people who don't have equal privileges. It's not just about man/woman. Because of that huge gap in their feminist campaign, I really felt like saying something to them as a black man (and a gay one at that), but I kept my mouth shut.

Although I'm not completely out of the closet at work, I know for a fact that racial oppression affects my salary (among other things). How? I have a larger skill set (less experience) than the next guy, but I don't get nearly as much respect or compensation. With that being said, don't I have the right to a price break?

Not to mention, with the cupcakes and brownies these girls were selling, it seems to me like they were contradicting themselves. The last thing a feminist wants to be seen as is a kitchen-bound wench.

Just something to think about.

THINK: What is Drama?

The word "drama" is one of those words that's not fully understood nor is it clearly defined. Many guys will say "I'm not into drama," but what does that mean exactly?

If you ask me, there's only one way to define drama: a series of tumultuous and unfavorable events that negatively impact one's life, or the act and behavior associated with being overly and unnecessarily dramatic. Make sense?

By a gay man's definition, drama can consist of anything from playing mind games, being catty, acting a fool or on a more general basis, "bullshitting." THAT is drama. Blowing things out of proportion or clinging onto a dead issue is a common form of perceived drama.

However, many guys confuse everyday-life drama with unnecessary drama and yes, there's a difference. Those who are naturally straight-forward, sensitive or emotional often take the fall for being "dramatic." However, a rude comment made to a guy who, (a) gets their feelings hurt and (b) won't stand for it is not causing "drama." When you think about it, there's a reaction for every action and I don't believe all reactions should be classified as drama. They're not always the same.

Emotions, distress and tribulations are a part of everyday life; they are also part of every relationship and that's just the way things are. Everything else beyond that is unnecessary drama -- drama you can do without or drama that needs not be so intense.

There are two ends of the spectrum here, but we should be aware of what lies where and why. It seems like it's getting to the point where every action a man takes is classified as drama. Not so.

This post is not indicative of any personal experiences. I'm just throwing this thought out there and trying to clearly define what we mean when we say "drama."

Whether we like it or not, drama is inevitable, but with the right approach, we can all learn from it. So, if you're boyfriend is cheating on you, yes, that's drama. However, if your friend/boyfriend had a bad day at work and isn't in a good mood, perhaps what he needs is a little love and support. NOT the "don't give me no drama" lecture.

THINK: And You Are?

I always write blogs that are negative, but it is what it is until something new comes along. However, I thought I'd write something neutral for once. As much as I hate labels, I thought it would be funny to describe the types of guys that are out there.

HOPELESS ROMANTIC - Despite encountering one bad experience after another, he can't help himself but to remain hopeful. His self-esteem and confidence might be low, but he wants the best for himself and knows he deserves nothing less. He's a sensitive idealist and a sentimental dreamer, but has a lot to offer. However, his values and offerings are usually of disinterest among his peers. Therefore, he grows to feel insecure and may become very clingy or in need of frequent reassurance. With a little patience and understanding, a HOPELESS ROMANTIC can be a wonderful partner.

FRONTER - He says he doesn't need or want a significant other, but it's obvious he does. Suspicious and distrustful of men, he'll keep you at a distance for a very long time and it'll take months before he lets his guard down. Some perceive him to be obnoxious, unfriendly and arrogant, but he's really shielding himself from harm. Even though he truly wants to find love, his fear of emotional pain prevents newly-formed relationships from progressing. FRONTERS don't like confrontation and need a lot of patience, but in the long run, he can be a very loyal, complex and exciting partner.

TRIFLIN' POMP - Frankly, he doesn't know what the fuck he wants and you may fall victim to his state of confusion (until of course he figures himself out). He's hard to read and will tell you what you want to hear, but he doesn't know whether he should follow his dick, his heart or his mind. While he desires some sort of male-to-male interaction, you'll soon discover what he's truly looking for is very, very basic and not necessarily beyond a platonic relationship. It's best to expect nothing from a TRIFLIN' BUCK. Instead, go with the flow or move on.

MUDSLINGER - You may be attracted to him, but he wants nothing to do with you (friends or otherwise), solely based on your difference in ethnicity. He's fully aware of his prejudice, but makes irrational excuses and tries to hide behind the fact that he "has black friends." The difference between being racist and having a preference hasn't crossed his mind and he'll slam the door in your face if you get to close. Superficial and rarely upfront with his thoughts, his view of reality is a bit distorted, yet he remains charismatic, giving and popular amongst his peers who may or may not be aware of his true intentions. More often than not, MUDSLINGERS are unaware of the roots of their feelings and can be taught important life lessons with a little social education. Fear not, MUDSLINGERS are curable, but beware: they come in all colors.

THE ERASIST - Not quite viewed as what our society deems as "normal" or "belonging," he's the opposite of what you'd expect. If he's from the 'burbs, he probably dresses, acts and speaks as an urbanite or vice versa; in other words, he defies stereotypes. He sometimes struggles with societies pressures and often has trouble relating with his ethnic demographic. He's open-minded, outspoken and educated, but fears rejection and prejudice. He takes pride in his earnings, materialistic or not, but values family and friendship much more. Although he's a true gentleman, you'd be surprised what he'll say between the sheets.

ASSHOLE - He's cocky, arrogant and loud, but for some reason, people gravitate towards him. A true Adonis to the eye, he knows he can have any guy he wants, but only if they meet superficial and shallow criteria. He smells great and dresses like a pro, but his conversation skills and intellect is limited. The topic of conversation usually focuses on himself, but he'd rather flash his balls or use his wallet as means to impress a guy. A guaranteed phenomenal hook-up or a "trophy-boy," he's not long-term material, but in the short-run, all should have caution. Hidden and bad habits may surface later on or you might fall victim to his bad temper.

"STRAIGHT-ACTING" - Although there' no such thing as a "straight-acting" gay man, he identifies himself as so. He may be uncomfortable with his sexuality, but he'll assert his masculinity almost immediately and may have slept with women deep in his past. More often than not, he wants no association with the gay or bi community. He avoids "the scene" and may not have much sexual experience. Ultimately, he needs someone to help him break out of his shell, but sexual acts may be his first priority.

THE FEMBOT - Over the top, colorful and flamboyant, the flames of his faggotry are worse than the California forest fires (I say that with love). We all know 'em and love 'em, but he farts rainbows and dramatizes every single one of his words. He's great for laughs, fashion tips and interior decorating -- your momma will love him. His confidence and intellect is infectious, but he does not get along with the many other types of men listed here.

THE AVERAGE JOE - Hard on himself for not being "good enough," he doesn't have much dating and/or sexual experience. The fact of the matter is, he's just as gorgeous on the inside as he is on the outside, but those who he encounters see differently. He may have a few extra pounds or a hairy chest, but he's attractive and good company. When the right guy comes along, he often lets his lack of confidence get the best of him and needs a lot of emotional support. Be patient, because he's a fast learner and ultimately desires a strong connection with someone who can appreciate him.

THE HOT-ASS MESS - Let's be honest. He's fat, stinks, eats like a pig and is messy, but with a little work and a shave, he can turn out to be a real stud. Often the third wheel because his more attractive friends think he's a bad wingman, the poor guy is beaten down. He wants to change, but doesn't have the tools or the motivation to do so. Instead of going out and meeting boys, Final Fantasy VII takes up his time, which is often the very thing that destroys his relationships He's corny, can't dance, has a hairy ass and drinks Coke like it's crack. He needs you. He's a nice guy, but needs to be taken out of his comfort zone and shown a good time -- in more ways than one. Break him off. You'll be happy you did.

FORMER "FAT-KID" - He's a fat/ugly kid stuck in a hot man's body. He used to be overweight or unattractive, but has grown into a fine, sexy stud that has a lot of good things going on. Unfortunately, he still thinks he's not good enough and below average, when in fact, he's anything but! He's oblivious to flirting and compliments make him uncomfortable. Although his confidence comes in waves, he'll never approach a guy at a bar and isn't very fond of being touched. If you're involved with a FORMER "FAT KID," get in the habit of giving him a compliment every day. It'll take a while for him to feel comfortable enough to take his shirt off when you're around.

Have I missed any?

THINK: My Comment Box Said I Was a N***** and a F**

Web sites such as YouTube, Yahoo! Answers and even dating sites such as DList often open floodgates for spreading bigotry and prejudice. I've never been a direct-victim of receiving online hate -- if that were to happen, I'd cut a bitch at 300 kilobytes-per-second -- but I've seen it happen to others.

YouTube in particular has transformed from a really cool concept into an ugly cesspool of hate, most of which is directed towards gay people. When asked for a resolution, Youtube allegedly hides behind the first amendment and refuses to do anything to resolve the issue.

I'm not here to preach or bag on Youtube. Prejudice and hate can't be solved over night and it's all around us all the time. Let's just call it as it is... However, I find it very interesting that these "e-haters" hide behind their screen names and computer monitors and use the internet as an anonymous mask to spew hate. I see that no differently than being a coward.

It's easy to go on to someone's page and leave a comment calling them a f** or a n*****, BUT I wonder if they have the balls to say those things to someone they see on the street. THAT'S what I really, really want to know. Anyone up for conducting a focus group?

Am I a n***** or a f** because your web browser won't punch you in the face? Am I STILL a n***** or a f** when you see me on the street? Hmmm... I think NOT!

THINK: "I swear on my life I'm not racist..."

Unfortunately, there are hundreds of social networking profiles that say ignorant and insensitive things and I stumbled upon one today by a DList member which was no different. Unsurprisingly, the one thing most of these profiles have in common is bad grammar. REALLY bad grammar. For the sake of your comprehension, I rewrote an excerpt from this guy's profile:

"I swear on my life I'm not racist... I have a lot black friends, but I would never hook up with any [of them]! Don't bother friending me [if you are black] because I will say 'no.' Don't hold it against me; I'm just being honest" (author undisclosed).

Now, he didn't outright say "if you are black, don't send me a friend request," but it was heavily implied. I'm not stupid.

We all have our preferences and there's nothing wrong with liking the things we like. As a black man, I get rejected all the time and mostly quite harshly. Yes, it's annoying and sometimes hurtful, but it's just a fact life -- especially within the gay community (if that's what you want to call it).

In a perfect world, there would be no "I only like this" and "I only like that," but in reality, the world's vast ethnic backgrounds have various physical and cultural characteristics that appeal differently from one person to the next.

It is what it is, but what irritates me about this guy's profile in particular is his illogical justification for his "preference" and the lack of maturity approaching the subject. He basically states "I don't like black men, so if you ARE black, don't bother. But, wait! I'm not racist. I DO have black friends!!"

Come ON. A dead fish stinks from the head down... and this is the kind of shit that drives me nuts.

It's not his preference that bothers me (I really couldn't care less) but it's the fact that my ethnicity -- even though it's beyond my control -- immediately causes the door to be slammed in my face.

Of course I don't want to be associated with someone like that anyway, but there's a fine line between having a preference and being a straight-up bigoted asshole. HOWEVER, according to him, having "black friends" makes his actions acceptable. How so?

I really don't have much else to say other than the kicker, which is that this guy is ALBANIAN. Albanian. Someone who is not even of American decent is making these awful statements on the Internet for the whole world to see.

You'd think an asshole (who knows he's an asshole) wouldn't want the world to know about it.